Of Face-Eating Tumors and Water Births

This post is going to be about things I've learned from watching roughly 15 episodes of "A Baby Story" on TLC in the past month. But first, did you know there's another show on this same cable channel called "Face-Eating Tumor"? (They spell it without the hyphen, but I just can't omit a perfectly necessary bit of punctuation in good conscience.) I've not actually seen "Face-Eating Tumor," but I have seen it cheerily advertised right alongside "Bringing Home Baby" and "The Adam Corolla Project." I can't quite believe it each time I see the words "Face-Eating Tumor" flash up on the screen against the red TLC background, with a jaunty TLC tune playing all the while. I mean, even the Fox network would stop short of actually naming a show "Face-Eating Tumor," wouldn't they?

Anyway, on to Things I've Learned From Watching Roughly 15 Episodes of "A Baby Story" on TLC in the Past Month:
1. Water births are not for me.
2. Figuring out a Diaper Genie is harder than learning calculus.
3. The typical new-mom short haircut is just as frumptastic as I thought. Keep those scissors away from my head.
4. Babies look pretty gross when they first come out.
5. They set that slimy, greasy baby right in your arms after you deliver it, without washing it first.
6. The OB always assumes Dad wants to cut the umbilical cord. (S's thoughts on this event: "Let's just leave it to the medical professionals.")
7. The epidural is like heaven in a needle: "Oh, did I have a contraction just now? Huh! I didn't even feel it!"
8. Babies delivered by C-section have rounder, prettier heads.
9. If you turn the TV picture off but keep the sound on during any "A Baby Story" delivery scene, you'll swear you're listening to porn.
10. Seriously, a water birth is NOT FOR ME.